spinnin wheels

Spinning my wheels....

thats what I feel like I am doing. waiting, waiting for the studio to reopen, waiting for invoices to be paid, waiting for jobs to come in. it sure is tough to keep the momentum going. the fear of not having work is what eats me alive and keeps me up at night. it's like this every bloody start of the year for me, i go from ballz to the wall, mad rush to xmas, into tumbleweeds and baked beans on toast. it's taxing on ones self worth but i think that is because so much of who i am is tied up in blowing glass. what would happen if i stopped? who do i become? (lady's got to get herself some more hobbies (that don't include wine) thats what that sounds like.)

so i feel intense guilt at not actually working. why can't i just be happy, maybe go to the pool, go see a movie, just like regular people? the short answer to that is I don't know. i go to my studio just about every day, do little bits and pieces but really doesn't feel like alot. maybe it doesn't feel like much because i'm used to 7 deadlines at once and stressed up to the eyeballs. the balance. thats what i've got to find or i'll send myself into an early grave. the kicker here is, that if i do just go into my studio everyday and stare at the wall this is good for no one. i need to see new things, smell new smells, inspiration comes from everywhere and can strike at the weirdest moment. but to let these little moments of magic happen you gots to get yourself out there. live life.

so there you go, iv'e kind of talked myself round.

fuck it

i'm going to the movies

and to eat a choc top.